Hell Fire and Aunt Jemima

Yesterday we went on a Sunday morning outing to the church that June grew up attending. Family is important to her, and showing up at her church every now and then is part of her keeping family alive. And so there I was, sitting in a pew at Livingston United Methodist Church in Coosa, Georgia, with my hat off, willing to hear, not what the good lord had to say, but something that would be fun to write about. Honestly, going to church on any Sunday is way down, maybe not even on, my priority list, but at that moment I was happier being there with my “Georgia family,” then staying home alone.



Livingston United is a very small poor country church that has been open to local parishioners here since1833. The old cemetery was on one side, with tombstones dated well into the 1800’s, and many that were just rocks with no markings whatsoever. The “black section” in back was overgrown in weeds and everywhere the ground was soggy, like it would all cave in with the next step and I’d fall into the lap of a Confederate soldier. Although it was a Methodist church, which I always figured was a not so distant cousin of the Catholic church, on this Sunday it appeared as if a takeover was happening. Maybe I attracted what I’ve been avoiding. The “guest” preacher was a hell fire and damnation one way Jesus or hell screamer, which did little more than give me a rare headache, a touch of the fires of hell burning in my head.



Well, here is the part where I could go on and on with my satire sense of humor, but after I slept on it last night I woke up feeling a bit sad for the man. He, I think his name was Gus, so I’ll call him that, was in his late 60’s, way overweight, and I think just a little bit drunk. I imagined Gus was an uneducated man without a church, and probably even the Baptist’s didn’t want him. But Jesus did. And he had to tell everyone - that despite all the odds against him - he was still loved and excepted by Jesus, and because Gus was born again into this life he would soon be joining his Mamma and Pappa, and older brother and three younger sisters in Heaven.

OK, so I have a different version of the whole heaven and hell thing. Some things make sense to me and some things don’t. That whole story Gus was preaching made sense to him, and I guess all I can really say is more power to him. I’m wanting to believe that I’m already in Heaven, but there’s probably around 5 billion people who would disagree with me, who think I have to “do something” or another to be worthy of getting a ticket through the Pearly Gates, or into Nirvana, or find Oneness with the Buddha. Maybe so.

I actually don’t really know - and either do they. What’s most important is being a good loving person, and practicing whatever in the heck you’re preaching. The proof is always in the pudding. And I know that not because “the Bible told me so,” but because my Aunt Jemima did, bless her soul.




And so it was when I called up Mrs. Slater. This woman is 84 years old. I have no idea where she lives, only that she gives remote healing over the phone for free. I’m more than ready to be done with this rotator cuff pain, and I thought I’d give her a try.
“OK, honey, I want you to put five fingers lightly on where it hurts.”
“I have my fingers there.”
“Now lift them up slowly. Now tell me how it feels.”
“The same.”
“Let’s do it again.” “Now how does it feel.”
“The same.” (that went on for about six times)
“Are you thinking about your shoulder?”
“Should I be?”
“Heavens no. Think about something else.”
“Like baseball?” I asked, trying my sense of humor.
“What?” “OK. Let’s try something else. Put your left hand over your belly button and your right hand over the left. Now slowly lift them. Feel better?”
“No.”
“Are you sure you have your hands over your belly button?”
“You mean the hole in the middle of my belly?”
“That’s it. How does your shoulder feel now? Better?”
“The same.”
“Are you married?”
“No.”
“Good. Don’t ever get married. Women are no good for you.”
“You’re no good for me?”
“No, not me! You don’t want to get yourself hooked up with a woman, not that I have anything against women, since I’m one - you just don’t want to be with one.”
“No women friends?”
“They’re alright. Just not a wife. I’ll tell you what to do. Find yourself a nice woman, one you can talk to, and put her in your passenger seat and travel around with her.”
“I thought you just told me not to have woman.”
“Not a real one! Make up an invisible one. I have my invisible man. Doesn’t give me any trouble.”
“I know what you mean. I have angels on both my bumpers,” I said. “Protects me from getting into an accident as I travel around the country.
“Well,” she answered, obviously happy to be speaking to a kindred spirit. “I have five - one on each bumper and the other riding shotgun.”
“I think I’ll add a few more,” I answered.
“Call me anytime,” she concluded. “Let me know how that shoulder is doing.”

This is what I'm now studying:

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

Aig - What a hen lays

Aints - He's got aints in his paints

Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin

Bag - He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub burned out

Cheer - What you set in

Crick - A small stream

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core - He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow - Animal on Farm

Deppity - He helps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz - Satidy night social

Ellum - A graceful tree

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Faince - Whats round the hawg lot

Far - What get the brandin arn hot

Furred - He got furred from his job

Flar - A rose is a purdy flar

Frash - Them aigs ain't frash

Furiners - All non-'bamans

Further - Hits ten miles further to town

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n

Hilbilly - People in the next county

Hollar - Whats between the hills

Hard - Got a brend new hard

hand Tar - His core blew a tar

Laymun - A sour fruit

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin

Mailk - what you get from cyows

Mere - What you see your self in

Minners - Live bait

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Nup - No

Orrel - Them hinges need orrel

Ormy - What the sojers go in

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition - What separate the rooms

Poke - A paper bag or sack

Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit - A green vegetable

Puppet - What the preacher is in

Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang - You wear it on your fanger

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch - A big cow farm

Rat - Do it rat now!

Rench - Rench the soap yourself

Roont - She plum roont her shoes

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Soardeens - Small canned fish

Shar - A light rain

Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody

Pop - A soft drink

Sprang - Water out'n the ground

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat

War - A bobbed war fance

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Warter - What you worsh your face in

Yurp - A continent overseas